Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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