I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
