he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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