she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
either way he was missing a nipple.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
