You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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