i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
