I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
