Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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