I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
