i just wanna soil my oats bro
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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