she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
