I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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