I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
