Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
