My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
