yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
