ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
They took my balls.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
