There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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