and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
