I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
So here I am, sexting at work.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
