Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
