I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize