Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think i peed on brittanys purse
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize