I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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