I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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