my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
