Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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