At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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