Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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