went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
