Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
