It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
