Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize