Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize