Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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