I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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