Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
