I met the friendliest cop last night
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
