ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
