Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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