Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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