Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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