Dude my mom stole all your condoms
now i know why i became what i already was.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
