It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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