I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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