maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
