I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
