90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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