I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
