I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She even gives head with a lisp.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
