dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
