When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
