New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
