I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize