Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
