He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
