Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
