for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
