We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
