I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
