We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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