Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
